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Are You Happy? And Is That the Real Question?

January 27, 2012 By Gina DeLapa 1 Comment

Years ago, I heard a senior vice president describe his two favorite tests to size up a job candidate — though I’ve never used either one, both have always stayed with me.

The first test was to take the candidate on a company tour. The senior VP would walk at a rapid clip, just to see how well the candidate kept pace. A swift gait signaled inner drive — which is what the senior VP wanted. Candidates who sauntered, or kept their hands in their pockets, lost points in a hurry. (It’s probably the only thing they did in a hurry.)

The second test was more pointed. After the interviewer returned to his office, he would sit down with the candidate, look the person in the eye and ask, “Are you happy?” I understand his point — he didn’t want to hire people who were depressing or depressed. As he said, he was looking for “bright, happy people.”

But the (bright, happy) editor in me would ask a different set of questions. If I were going with the happiness theme, and I wanted to get a glimpse of the candidate’s world, the size of that world, and the candidate’s locus of control, I would ask the following:

  • What brings you happiness? (Subtext: Is it something inside of you or outside of you?)
  • What sustains you when you’re not happy? (i.e., Do you have a support system in place? How strong is it?)
  • How would you distinguish happiness from joy?

That last question. Though it might not fit in an interview, it’s a reminder that while happiness matters, some things matter even more. Think back on your most joyful moments, both on the job and off. Chances are at least some of them required triumphing over difficulties, or simply doing what needed to be done, even when there was no sense of triumph.

Back in the 1990s, when my extended family went through an unexpected loss (as all families eventually do), there was no trace of happiness in that overcrowded church. But there was joy in rising to the occasion, setting aside everything else to be with parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, consoling others and being consoled, and knowing when I returned to the office there would be meaningful work and co-workers who cared. They, too, rose to the occasion.

All of this reminds me of a sign on my refrigerator: “The Joy Comes from Doing the Right Thing.” Doing the right thing sometimes hurts. It sometimes costs. But unlike happiness, which can fade and make us flabby, joy only grows stronger. Joy only makes us stronger.

Filed Under: Personal Effectiveness

What Sort of Year Will You Have?

January 25, 2012 By Gina DeLapa Leave a Comment

You have probably heard the investment maxim, “As January goes, so goes the year.” If that’s true not only in financial markets but also in your own life, what sort of 2012 will you have — based on your results and resolve thus far?

If I can make it up those hills, so can you!

Resolve doesn’t mean clenching your teeth and muscling your way through. (I learned this years ago while bicycling through New Mexico. One of the group leaders told us specifically not to muscle our way through. Instead, she said, “It’s all about cadence.” Once I learned this, even the toughest hills became much more doable. Whatever hills you’re facing, this statement can also work for you. As Frank Sinatra sang, “Nice and easy does it every time.”)

So how can you use these last fleeting days of January to set the pace for the rest of 2012? Here are some questions you can ask yourself — if you serve in a leadership role, you can also adapt these questions for your team:

  • What level of health do I want — and what will I have to do or give up to achieve it?
  • How do I want to feel? For example, if you decide your goal is to feel great, you will find it relatively easy to let go of or get past the things that bring you down. And, you’ll spread good cheer to others. (I have always believed that assertive people are far more uplifting than those who are unassertive.)
  • What’s one skill or habit I can develop that will add the most to my quality of life?
  • How can I use my time, especially my commute time, more productively?
  • How do I want to contribute to the world, personally and professionally?
  • What adventure(s) do I want to experience and look back on in December?

You get the idea. I read a statement recently that said, “Live this year as though it were your last.” Whether we have one more year or fifty, this day and this year will never come again. Make them count!

Filed Under: Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

What Kind of People Do You Surround Yourself With?

January 23, 2012 By Gina DeLapa Leave a Comment

To illustrate the gravity of this question, I asked my students one morning during class, “If a hiring manager’s abilities are a six on a ten-point scale, do you think the manager is more likely to hire an eight or a four?”

Every student immediately guessed “eight.” But when they discovered the real answer was four, based on our human tendency to protect ourselves (and to protect our own egos), you could almost see the light bulbs go on.

What kind of people do you seek out and surround yourself with? If you’re in a position to hire or fire, your answer has exponential impact. Suppose one of your senior partners hires a six. If a six is more likely to hire a four, a four will be more likely to hire a two, or at best, another four. What kind of firm will you have, ten years from now, if it follows that trajectory? How well will you be able to compete? (Nathaniel Branden writes about this principle in his book, Self-Esteem at Work.)

Here’s the good news: Overcoming this human tendency is just a decision away. For example, one of my former managers used to say only half-jokingly, “I couldn’t get hired here” — even though he owned the company. He had made a point of hiring people who had strengths he didn’t have, and as a result, both he and the company grew stronger.

Each one of us, even if we’re unable to hire or fire, has the opportunity not only to strengthen our organizations, but truly to elevate mankind by our example. In those arresting lines from Martin Luther King Jr., “We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly.”

This week, why not seek out and surround yourself with those who inspire you to raise your game? Why not let your example inspire everyone you meet? The risks are temporary, but the rewards can last even beyond our lifetimes.

Filed Under: Leadership

Networking Should Feel Natural

January 9, 2012 By Gina DeLapa

Whether you work on your own, as I do, or you’re surrounded by staff and co-workers, much of your career satisfaction—and thus, your life satisfaction—will be determined by your business relationships.

Which is why we desperately need to pluck “networking” out of its traditional realm of the superficial and the artificial. For example, Harvard Business Review recently advised, “At social events, don’t just spend time with your friends and colleagues. Seek out the people who don’t fit in (hint: they look alone and uncomfortable) and strike up a conversation.”

(I tried this once on the playground in fourth grade—invited a third-grader who looked like she needed a friend to ride the teeter-totter. Two minutes later, while I was dangling at the top, she became distracted and darted away. Bam! Slammed me to the ground and knocked the wind right out of me. Suddenly I knew why she had so few friends!)

So how do you ensure your networking is authentic, enjoyable and worthwhile? Here are three filters you can use to evaluate organizations, events and interpersonal relationships:

1. Absence of inner conflict. Do you truly feel drawn to this person/opportunity, or do you merely think you should? As my brother John once said, “I decided I could do what was important—or what looked important.”

2. Trust, regard and mutual respect. When your networking passes these three tests, chances are it won’t feel like “networking.” Networking is elevator music. Connecting with those you like and respect is rhythm and blues.

3. Mutual benefit. One of my former co-workers, a rising star in the speaking world, was telling me about his modest friendship with a company president, a prominent figure in the community. My former workmate shared how he made sure he always had something to offer in return—a book, a quote, anything of genuine value. What a wise approach to any relationship, business or personal.

Finally—and I’m saying this as much to myself as to you—be careful about spreading yourself too thin. Go for depth over breadth, even when it means saying no. As Robert James Waller observed in his essay The Turning of Fifty, “You have fewer people at your funeral, but you get more reading time.”

Filed Under: Communication / Etiquette, Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

2011 Home Stretch – Make It Count!

December 26, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

Last week, one of my peers shared that he had just returned from his first real vacation since he set out to work on his own, three years ago. You could hear the relief in his voice, and the renewed energy. I could even hear him breathing differently as he shared his goals for the upcoming quarter. He closed his email with “Woohoo!” 

Since each week has 168 hours, why not set aside two of them this week to look back on the current year — what worked well, what took you by surprise, what needs to change or be eliminated  — and then use what you’ve learned to help shape the year ahead?

Here are just a few creative ways we can invest our time this week:

  • Claim a spot on our 2012 calendar for a much-needed vacation, so we have it to look forward to
  • Identify the one professional goal that would make the greatest difference, and set a deadline for achieving it; do the same in the personal realm
  • Sign up for a 5K walk/run, and take the first step toward preparing for it
  • Take a recurring task that has always seemed laborious, and find a way to streamline it — you might even try following a checklist
  • Send an overdue card/email, or make an overdue phone call to someone who needs to hear from you
  • Establish one or more daily rituals at specific times, to stay on track with what matters most. Mealtimes can be a great place to start, or recommit to.

I don’t know about you, but I am not yet at the “Woohoo!” stage. But I challenge both of us to use this final week of 2011 to clean up, clean out, count our blessings, and get a head start on 2012 — and enjoy the rewards that inevitably follow.

Filed Under: Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

Gratitude and Giving

December 12, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

Raise your hand—or better yet, send me a quick comment—if you’ve ever heard holiday sentiments like these:

“I sent 42 Christmas cards and only got back 39.”
“I spent all day preparing that meal, and you ate it in 20 minutes.”
“Why did you choose the bathroom to hang that painting I gave you?”

Psychologists tell us our greatest emotional need is to be appreciated. But what if, instead, we made our greatest emotional need to be thankful? This would offer three advantages:

  1. Gratitude is available to us any time, anywhere—unlike appreciation, which may or may not happen, or happen on our terms.
  2. Our giving would be “cleaner” and more rewarding. Why? Because we would give not to gain appreciation, but to express our own.
  3. When being appreciated is no longer the point, we find the thanks we do receive to be more than enough—which in turn fuels our gratitude.

So in that spirit, here are a few friendly reminders for how to make your holiday gift-giving easy, joyful and memorable:

  • Give what you can cheerfully give, without expectation.
  • Don’t give more than the recipient can comfortably accept.
  • Think in terms of the other person’s particular interests—golf, reading, etc.
  • Aim for gifts that require no explanation.
  • Put some effort into the presentation.
  • Have fun with it! And once the gift is out of your hands, kindly let it go.

Finally, when you’re the recipient, show your thanks in whatever way seems best—in person, by phone, in writing, even Skype. The main thing is to just do it, preferably in a way that adds to the joy of the giver.

Commit yourself to the art of giving and receiving, and you’ll change your whole world for the better.

P.S. And if you’re scolded for eating that holiday meal in 20 minutes? Smile and remind the cook that the memories will keep you warm all winter—and then offer to do the dishes.

Filed Under: Personal Effectiveness

Acceptance: Tough, But Worth It

November 28, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

Life requires a lot of acceptance. It can be sobering to consider all the things we’re called not necessarily to like or to put up with endlessly, but to accept as reality. Without this ability, we can easily get stuck—sometimes for years.

And though it might seem sort of grim on the surface, acceptance is our invitation to be free. It’s the thing that gives us back our joy, our sense of humor, our spark, and our power.

Rarely do we reach this state by force of will. Rather, acceptance seems to find us when we’re focused on something other than our frustrations, and other than ourselves.

Here’s an example: I recently shot a video for my website. It was my first time filming on my new iPhone, and I can’t tell you how many tries it took to get everything just right: the lighting, the angle, the alignment, the message. By the time I finished, I was so pleased with myself, I was all but pirouetting around my office.

Then I remembered the dilemma I had been dealing with outside of work—the one that had been draining my energy all week—and I laughed. What had seemed like an impossible crossroads now felt like no big deal. The only decision to be made was for me to lighten up—and to lighten up my investment in this part of my life, both of which worked wonders.

Jim Rohn said, “Some people you can be around a few hours, but not a few days. And some people you can be around a few minutes, but not a few hours. And then some people you have to walk away from.” Where in your life could you experience a minor miracle, just by shifting some of your energy?

Finally, acceptance isn’t stoicism, and it isn’t avoidance. True acceptance is an art that requires wisdom and compassion—sometimes more than we ever imagined. Yet the rewards are ineffable: joy in what we have chosen to become, renewed appreciation for those we love and work with, and an inner strength that nothing and no one can take away.

Filed Under: Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

Speaking Up Has Its Rewards

November 14, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

Some things should make us mad—mad enough to speak up. The key is to speak up in a way that leads to breakthroughs rather than breakdowns, more maturity instead of another meltdown, and constructive change instead of the status quo.

In the words of one of my mentors, Craig Valentine, “When we make excuses for people, we invite them never to change.”

Here’s an example: I had a student who wasn’t keeping up with his assignments, and seemed to want to make it my problem. It almost worked. But when I saw this behavior becoming a pattern, I realized if I didn’t insist on a bit of good-old-fashioned accountability, I would be doing both of us a huge disservice.

I also felt an obligation to the university, which is entrusted with turning out job-ready graduates, and this student’s future employers. So I spoke up. It wasn’t comfortable; on the other hand, I didn’t back down or apologize, and in short order, we got back on the right track and moved forward, stronger than before.

Ever notice when you speak up and stand your ground, people respect you more—not less? Ever notice how when you clarify your own legitimate needs, much of your anger disappears? Yes, we need to do our part to let our adversary save face. Yes, we need to stay focused on solutions, rather than the problem. And once we’ve done our part, we need to let the other person have their reaction and we need to let them own it.

It’s all too easy to let fear of conflict or a desire to be liked keep us from asserting ourselves on issues that matter. This is true in our families, among our friends, and those we work with. But speaking up can be one of the most loving, courageous things we can do. Think of it as contributing to the evolution of the species.

Filed Under: Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

Self-Esteem Isn’t Everything — But It Still Counts

October 31, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

When someone gives you a book called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, you had either better be talking about a really good friend, or have healthy self-esteem to begin with. In my case, I venture to say it was both. My college roommate Ginna had given me the hardcover for my 30th birthday, with the inscription, “I hope you enjoy this as much as I did!”

When you think about it, my friend’s inscription embodies the very quality that self-esteem needs for its completion; namely, humility. (It’s been well said before that humility is thinking not less of yourself but less about yourself.) Without humility, self-esteem turns into conceit. In his book Hundred Percenters, Mark Murphy called folks in this category “Talented Terrors.”

Here are just some of the things good self-esteem allows us to do — personally, professionally, and even organizationally:

  • Take risks
  • Bounce back from defeat
  • Enjoy our successes — and the successes of others (maybe not our competitors’)
  • Forgive and move on, after an offense or perceived offense
  • Own up to mistakes, and when it’s called for, say “I’m sorry”
  • Pay a compliment
  • Show the utmost respect for others, while including ourselves in the equation
  • Contribute, without becoming a martyr
  • Read the writing on the wall
  • Change before we have to

As you can see, these abilities are available to any of us, regardless of age, education, income or career status. I know at least one ten-year-old who does most or all of the things on this list. What about you? Why not choose one of the above items, and put it into action today before turning off your computer?

It’s a brand new day, and a brand new week. I challenge you (and myself) to live it well and to make it count!

P.S. To receive my twice-monthly eletter Monday-Morning Pep Talk, simply enter your name and email address in the top right corner of this page, and hit Download.

Filed Under: Leadership, Personal Effectiveness

Employee Engagement Matters More than Ever

October 21, 2011 By Gina DeLapa

If you were to ask those who report to you, “What do you like best about working here?” would they answer in terms of growth, contribution and passion — or would they mostly mention perks? Or worse, would they use the old response, “Well, at least I have a job”?

Nothing wrong with being thankful for one’s job, especially in this economy. But as you can imagine, it’s not exactly enough to blast any of us out of bed in the morning, much less inspire growth and innovation.

What is this mindset costing you?

If too many members of your team fall into the at-least-I-have-a-job category — or if you do – it could be time for you to shake things up, in a good way. Here are three ways to get started:

1. Sharpen your vision. As Jim Rohn said, “Make sure the greatest pull on you is the pull of the future.” What better way to break free from the grip of fear, negativity or even complacency than by creating a compelling view of the future?
Let your goals come from the heart, not just the head. As John Kotter observed in A Sense of Urgency, Martin Luther King Jr. did not rouse the passions of a nation by standing up on Washington Mall and announcing, “I have a strategic plan.”

2. Give others a reason to buy in. Craig Valentine, who left a highly successful sales career to become a world-champion speaker, often says, “People buy into what they help create.” So if you can get your team to reflect on what achieving this goal or set of goals will mean for them, they will be much more excited to help drive the goal(s) through. Encourage each team member to come up with an image that captures this meaning on a personal level.

Some may prefer to rely on other sensory cues instead. For example, when I was training for the San Diego Rock ‘n’ Roll Half-Marathon, I created a playlist of my favorite music, to capture the thrill I imagined of crossing the finish line with energy to spare. Whatever works.

3. Celebrate success. Here’s an example: Rich Newman, a fellow alumnus of the University of San Diego, is the principal of an elementary school here in southern California. Two years ago, he vowed publicly that if schoolwide test scores rose to a certain level across the board, he would shave his head. The celebration (and head-shaving) not only attracted positive publicity, it added to the community’s joy over what they had achieved – which, not surprisingly, exceeded their own expectations.

If they can do it, why not you?

The lesson, of course, is not to shave your head, but to aim high with goals that matter, engage hearts as well as minds, help others find positive reasons to care, and to make winning fun. If you can do all of that, the what-do-you-like-best question will have its own built-in answer.

Filed Under: Leadership, Uncategorized
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